I am going to say "New Year New Me" just to piss people off

I am amazed by the negativity on social media towards people wanting to change their lifestyle. Who cares if it is a new year. Who cares if this is when they decided to make a change. Whether they stick with it or not, it should be encouraged, not frowned upon.
 

With that, yes. I am making a change this year. I have worked out a plan that I will document, and you can follow if you wish. I really don't live a healthy lifestyle. I have sort of hit this "eat what I can when I can" place and I don't get sleep, which makes me exhausted every day.
 

My plan is to make changes every week. Initially, I plan to take vitamins daily and drink more water. That is not hard. I drink a lot of water. And I take a medication every day. But other changes I want to take slowly, and share with everyone, so I can be held accountable. I was practically weaned on soda, and I have three diet sodas a day. I want to cut that down to one, and eventually none. On busy days I hit fast food restaurants. I want to keep enough food in my house to make it ahead of time so we don't feel we need that option. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. And it's not like I don't like them, I do!! I am just terrible at keeping them a part of my daily routine. 

Anyway, this is just an example. I haven't even touched on work outs, because that will happen. It will. But the diet, for me, needs to happen first. 

So yes, after the last 7 months of my life, I have decided to make a change, at the beginning of the New Year. *Gasp!!* Yes. I need to start this year differently than I did last year. I have been presented with a new appreciation of life after seeing my husband on the verge of not having it... This is not a trendy thing for me, it symbolizes many things most people won't understand. But your support and encouragement mean the world to me. Thank you for reading :-)

I will be doing the weekly changes and updates on my Facebook page and posting here every new month.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/206232306227628/

Lots of thoughts... putting them here, I guess.

After another absence, I have struggled with what to say. I love this blog. I love it's message and I want to continue with it. But so many things I want to say have NOTHING to do with weight loss, or finding your true self. Perhaps this is why I am not meant to be a writer. I can't stick to one thing. But it is about my life, and this blog has come from who I am, whether it be physically or emotionally, this blog is about my journey. So here I go...

A large part of my insecurities have come from not feeling like I was good enough. It comes from a turbulent childhood fraught with neglect and abandonment. So as I grew, I clung to people like velcro. Friends, boyfriends, it didn't matter. Eventually my weight got tied into that. So if someone got upset with me? Disagreed with me? It was my fault. I would have done anything to please people. I just didn't want anyone to LEAVE me.

Then I had kids. I realized the people who cared stuck around, and the ones who didn't faded into the backround. I didn't mind that so much, but there were people I put so much love and energy into, that if there was nothing coming back, why did I bother?

Well, then when my second son was 2 years old, my mom was dying. Nothing like watching your mother waste away to put your life into perspective. I decided I deserved more. That I only had so long to live and I wasn't wasting anymore energy on people who didn't really care.

This decision? Not that hard. And that's probably the most heartbreaking part. The fact that I spent so many years of my life expelling endless amounts of energy on people who didn't REALLY care just made me ACHE. But I look at my kids, and how sweet and innocent they are. They deserve better than that, right? Why don't I?

Well that's just it. My childhood, my fat, DOES NOT DEFINE ME. So I know I am better than that. I am a loving and loyal friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter... that is where my definition lies. And that is what makes the sacrifices worth it. It does not come from vanity or egotism, it comes from self preservation, and the knowledge that I deserve better.

And so do you, if you are faced with the decision of eliminating a toxic relationship. Don't look at it from the standpoint of selfishness or vanity. Look at it from the standpoint of, would you want this for your kids? Your loved ones? Well then why would you want it for yourself?

Reason For My Absence

So here I am again, coming to you after a significant absence. Though my reasons this time are a bit more significant than just having a 'hard time' in the Spring.

On June 15th, my husband broke his pelvis. He was in the Tough Mudder Race and fell off a 12-15 foot wall onto his side, and his leg ball joint broke through the thin column of his pelvis on his right side.

Now, to some, this sounds really huge and scary, to others, there is the 'he will recover and eventually be fine' attitude. Both totally understandable, but when you actually live through it, when it is your strong and active husband who is injured in such an extreme way, it takes on a whole new meaning.

When my husband called and told me what had happened, he was waiting to be Flight for Lifed from Vail to Denver. I had no idea of his long term condition. The team in Vail was worried his femoral artery in his leg may have been severed. After I had called a dear friend to watch our kids, I called my in-laws and told them they needed to come get me so we could go to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital not long after my husband did. He was still being treated by triage and was lying in his bed, making jokes and getting hooked up to machines. He was doped up, which I am thankful for. Just ONE of the things I am thankful for. After a few more CAT scans, a surgeon came in and explained his injury, the type of surgery needed, and how long he would be immobile. I cried. I cried a lot. My husband is the provider. He is strong and active and 6-8 weeks of no walking was too much to bear, let alone 10 weeks with no work. I am a stay at home mom and I have no way to provide for our family. I mainly just cried for him. I didn't want him to have to endure this. It was what it was. My father-in-law was there and I felt he understood the gravity, and his comfort at the time meant the world to me. 

My husband was moved to another room to await his official room. My in-laws decided they would not leave my husband alone, so that he would have an advocate. I agreed, and wish I could take shifts, but with having three kids, I just couldn't. I am so thankful they were there for him when I couldn't.

Luckily, my bestie drove 8 hours to come and stay with me and watched my kids so I could drive back and forth from the hospital, which was 40 miles away. Three long days, my husband had to sit on a broken pelvis before he got his surgery. On June 18th, my late mother's birthday, he got his three hour surgery, complete with a plate and screws in his pelvis. When the surgeon came to the waiting room, he told us everything went perfectly, then said that my husband should have died in the fall... That that kind of fall has a high mortality rate. That was the moment when I broke. My husband is my world, has been for 13 years. What would I do without him?? What would my kids do without him?? Just then, I had never been more thankful for his health, his life, his recovery... Because it could have been worse. And I knew that. But I still just wanted him to be happy and healthy. I wanted him home and interacting with me and the kids. I just wanted to be on the road to recovery. The in between made me insane.

He was up the day after his surgery. I came in a few days after to wash his whole body, because he still had mud EVERYWHERE from the race. I finally felt like I was helping. Making him feel better.

When he was able to come home, I stressed about the kids, the house, his comfort. I had some amazing friends who gave freezer meals and other things to make him comfortable. It was good. We were good. The kids were amazing, and they always helped. Even though I was running around like a crazy person all day, I was so happy. He was home, he was getting better, that's all that mattered.

Then he had to go back to work (about 6 weeks after the accident). I drove him for his first two weeks. I was worried about him driving, because he had to drive with his bad leg, but I knew it was important to him.

And now we are kind of

back to the routine. It's kind of back to the me with the kids and school and him with the work. But there is this lingering message in the life of parents and husband and wife... We cannot take our lives or our health for granted. You never know when life is staring you in the face saying "You could have lost the most important person in your life today." And that is HUGE. Not many people experience this. Some sadly experience the worst outcome, and some experience the in between. It is a blessing my husband can walk. It is a blessing my husband is alive. And there is not much else that can really make one wake up and say, TIME TO LIVE!! 

I am still struggling with stress management, but I have made some changes already and things are heading in a positive direction. My husband no longer needs a cane. He can do most things, except heavy lifting. My kids and I are always there for that. But his 100% recovery won't happen until his 1 year anniversary.

It is strange, how I look forward to it. He is already doing so well. I think he will be stronger than ever by then. 

No obstacle course races though. We're done with that ;-)

I am going to take this time to thank everyone who helped us, whether it was meals, child care, heavy moving, retrieving his truck, yard care, etc... I am just so thankful for the love and care we have gotten from so many. You are all amazing friends and family. It definitely helped me get through everything!

With that, I have to leave the main message I learned from all of this. You just don't know. You don't know when you are put in the position to be the provider, the strong role, the positive reinforcement. Just be that always. Because. You. Just. Don't. Know.

How To Be An Effective Personal Trainer.

It has been a while. I apologize. The Spring has always been a difficult time for me and this year was no different. But I am better now and needing to get back to the land of the living.  

I have a lot of things going through my head and have thought hard about what I wanted to discuss with you after my hiatus. I decided to go with the topic of trainers and fitness experts and their views on fat folks, especially women.

I  am a big girl and I always try to be mindful about what I eat. My main downfall since becoming a mom is working out, in all honesty. I just have never, even when I was 'smaller,' been an active person. It is my biggest challenge, by far. I see that, I admit it. I have looked at some local personal trainers that are women who have been where I am and lost weight and I am intrigued. Not because I think they'll be easy on me, I don't want that, but because they've been there.

It is absolutely ridiculous to me that a smaller, active person has the gall to judge larger people. If you haven't been in their shoes, who are you to judge?? If you are a trainer, the biggest tool you have is COMPASSION and DRIVE. It is not "you are a fat ass and I am not and I want to make you look like me." It is about showing this fat person, who has NEVER had ANYONE give them a chance, have someone give them a chance and give them hope. And in the fitness world I see these 'trainers' demean their clients and that will get them nowhere.

As the title of my blog states, fat girls are people, too. We don't sit around eating complete shit all day and do nothing. We have very busy lives and for those of us who are moms, our focus is always the kids. So where do we go from here? Personal trainers are expensive. Eating healthy, organic, blah blah blah, is expensive. As a trainer, your job is to work around all of that. Get to know your client. Don't think of them as a fat person. Think of them as a human being who needs help. POSITIVE help. The kind of help that INSPIRES and makes them want to be better for THEM. Don't make comments about seeing the fat chick eating a cheeseburger and how gross it is. Find out why she is fat and why she wants that cheeseburger and learn the importance of compassion with the people you train. It. Is. Not. Hard. If you're a trainer and you've never been fat? Fine. But as someone seeking that service, I expect you to see my situation and my life as NOT YOURS and my story is MY OWN and I got here through various situations that you may not understand. Ya know? It is just obnoxious to me that there are FITNESS PROFESSIONALS out there who have a discriminatory view toward their clients!!

So. My message? Girls (or boys), don't be afraid to seek out a personal trainer if you can. But make sure they are doing this for YOU. Not their own agenda of demeaning and shaming you into losing weight. Fitness professionals? Don't be a dick. People don't like dicks. Fat people don't want to be trained by dicks. That is all.

This has nothing to do with weight loss, but is important for me to say...

I have been thinking about the reactions to the Boston Marathon bombing. Thanks to social networking, everyone has an opinion, some to the extreme at one end and others to the other extreme. Some in the middle. I don't think it's fair to knock how anyone reacts to people dying. Especially a blatant attack in a city on US soil.

I don't think anyone can honestly say they don't care about innocents dying overseas. Okay, maybe there are people who don't, but I feel like the general population is saddened and horrified by it, but I kind of feel like people feel helpless... They want to help but there is so much happening in our own country, it's hard to stretch our compassion to people so far away. I know that may seem cold, but we have busy lives, busy stressful and sometimes filled with tragedy, lives. We grew up in relative comfort and safety until 9/11 (honestly for me it was Columbine) and now we wait for what's next. But does that mean we shouldn't have concern for our fellow Americans? I think when we get to the point where we don't care, then we become just as souless as the people who carry out these attacks.

I am concerned about people becoming apathetic. I am concerned that my kids will be raised to feel like this is life. To not trust anybody. I'm not saying they shouldn't question the government and always seek the truth, but that regardless of the incident, there should always be compassion and concern for our fellow Americans.

Because if we don't have that, what's left? A shell of hatred and distrust. Yes, people die every day all over the world. It is awful and sucks, but our hearts can only take so much.

The important part about this I think for people who react so strongly is that they feel that it could have been them or their kid or family or friend. The sense of comfort we felt growing up is constantly tested, and as long as we can feel concern and compassion for those affected, we continue to be human.

So don't be afraid to say what you need to say. Don't be afraid to tell people this is scary. Or that this happens every day elsewhere, or that you even feel it's some sort of conspiracy. But allow others who don't feel the same to grieve. To be scared and to show compassion. That's all.

Reality vs. Fantasy

Hello! I have not abandoned you all. I am still recovering from a two week illness that sent me to urgent care. And I don't go that far unless I am really sick. I honestly haven't been this sick in years. It just sucked. I had to do my normal daily routines while feeling like I was going to keel over any moment. I am ready to feel better and move on.

With that said, I just wanted to get better. I didn't eat horribly but I ate whatever whenever in order to fuel my body and make me not sick when I took medicine. No exercise. At all. And I am okay with that. Anyway, I am out of the funk, ready to move on and get back on the track I was on 3 friggin' weeks ago.

I have this vision of me, being smaller, NOT SKINNY, but smaller than I am now, and confident. The joy I feel anticipating that place overcomes everything else. And you know what?? For my body, it will still be technically 'overweight.' And you know what else? I don't give a damn what anyone else says, I will look hot, feel amazing and be healthy. I can see myself there, and that is the most important part, because it isn't something so far out of reach that it is more of a fantasy than reality. And I think that's the problem. Are you visualizing a fantasy or a reality? Going back to a previous post, aiming for this super sleek skinny sexy 20-something is NOT REALISTIC. Sure, there are people who shrink all their problem spots with non-stop work outs, but for the every day woman, it is not realistic to put up pictures of these tight, tanned women and expect the same.Then we beat ourselves up for no getting there!

So this is the deal. Make a weight loss and/or inches-lost goal and that is all you need!! Set that goal, don't beat yourself up for being the same size of  'so and so' and you have stretch marks and excess skin... That is not the point of learning to love who you are. That is not the point of being a fit woman in the real world.

So my challenge is this. Picture yourself at a higher goal weight, it may not be the final goal, but a second or third goal weight, and picture it with some excess skin and stretchmarks, etc. Does that disgust you? Are you just happy to be there, regardless of how you look naked? Or are you ashamed, thinking you need to look like what the fitness ads or magazines tell you?

YOU have to define where YOU want to be. Only you, no one else. And I guarantee, your goal will seem that much easier. Being sexy is all about how you feel about where you are, and the people that matter will see that in you, not the imperfections others dwell on.

This is about YOU. No one else. Remind yourself of that as often as you can.

My curveball week.

It seems that the powers that be were not in my favor this week. I threw out my hip the beginning of the week... It's basically a leftover condition due to my three pregnancies. Then I got sick. Like nasty head cold sick. Then my time of the month arrived... then I pulled something in my shoulder and I can't turn my head to the left... Yea, its just been that time when life just throws everything it can at you in only 5 days. But I am HERE!! Why? Because I promised I would be. I have continued to eat well, but I am emotionally exhausted. When Aunt Flow has moved on, I will weigh myself. Hopefully sticking to healthy food choices will make up for my body not cooperating with an active week.

As I sit here waiting for our biggest snow storm to start pummeling us, I am trying to find a way to connect to you. The whole reason I am doing this is so I can share my journey in an honest way. To find a way to say, this week, I failed and my body failed. But I AM STILL DOING THIS. So maybe that's it. Maybe my job is to tell you that despite the mad week I had, I am still just as motivated and excited as I was in my last post. I have had no change of heart. No change in motivation. I am still PUMPED. I feel good about the direction I am going.

I grew up sort of expecting the worst. Things changed at a moments notice and I learned to cope with it. In my parenting life, I got comfortable in the routine and keeping things as simple as possible. And in a way, that made me unprepared for the new challenges being a wife and parent brought.

But now I have 3 kids, my mom passed away almost 3 years ago... the unexpected is sort of a way of life now. I have to learn how to integrate that into my eating and active lifestyle. It's just about a change in thought process and NOT FEELING BAD for having an off week. This week was not normal, and I am ready for a normal week for sure, but it won't always be that way. And accepting that will make the process easier.

Have a happy weekend :-)

More about my road... or sidewalk... or maybe my spot on the couch.

I remember sitting on the bus when I was 8 years old and a boy asking me why I was fat. I don't remember what I said, but it stuck in my head. I didn't think I was fat, I mean, at 8 years old, I couldn't really even be considered chunky. But that was the beginning. I was taller and bigger than all the girls, bigger than most boys, even. I started puberty before everyone else. I entered middle school with no friends and at the peak of my awkwardness. I was lucky to find some amazing friends, some of which are STILL my friends. I grew some epic boobs and the boys liked me. Even in high school, even though I was heavier than most girls, I had friends and boyfriends. But I always felt I needed to be smaller because EVERYONE was smaller than I was. Fat girls were just not in my school, so I was 'the fat' standard. I was diagnosed with tendonitis in all of my joints at 14. The doctor told me that I was too fat, at 155. I should lose weight in my legs to ease the pressure on my knees... I was harrassed by my gym teachers. It was just a non-stop barrage of negative feedback on an already impressionable mind.

Then I entered the college world, and even though I fit in more, I always felt like I had to be better. That I was still too fat.

Luckily I met a man who never judged my weight and loves me for who I am. I fell in love with him the first time we kissed when I was just 18, and he took a few years to catch on and follow suit. When we got pregnant with my first, I was 190. I knew I was 20 pounds heavier than where I was comfortable, but I still thought I looked good. And thus began the roller coaster of weight loss and gain. I haven't seen 'onederland' in 8 years...

Last year, my doctor, who I love, used the term 'obese' when talking about me. It was the first time that happened. Regardless of the fact that I was fully aware that I was obese, hearing the term used in regards to me, blew me away. I thought that was it. I thought, this is my wake up call... yet, nothing changed. Then I went to Las Vegas with some best girlfriends... and I struggled to buckle my airplane belt. I didn't have a swimsuit. I just felt... uncomfortable. I thought maybe that was the turning point... Nope.

THEN... THEN last August, I had, for the first time since having my first son, 2 hours alone while the two older boys were at school and my youngest napped.... and I spent it doing whatever I wanted. Chillin', reading, napping... yea, so that got me nowhere. And I've just been.. unhappy. What does my current lifestyle do for me?? Not a whole lot.

So I have a counselor. She is amazing and I highly suggest finding someone to talk to. I am also on an anti-depressant and considering I have been through quite a few of them, finding one that works is a life saver. Depression runs in my family, I have struggled with it since I was a teen. The hormone wackiness when having kids makes being on top of mental and emotional issues even more important.

I have started taking B12 complex vitamins and a probiotic pill because my tummy has been a mess since I got pregnant with my daughter. I also take a women's multi-vitamin. Vitamins are your friend, if you don't like taking them, mix them in a smoothie.

I had friend open my eyes a couple weeks ago to who had been lost. I am forever thankful to her because since then, all I have wanted is to find 'me' again.

So where do I go now? Well this friend is coming out here to do the Bolder Boulder with me (http://www.bolderboulder.com/) in May and I gotta get my ass in gear if I even want to even walk it! So I am going to hit the treadmill daily to work up what I can do. I am going to hit the weight bench on opposite days to build my muscles so I can be stronger in everything I do. And I am EXCITED! What?? That's craziness. But I am. I am going to keep following my food journey, better decisions and purchases when I go to the grocery store.

I am going to shower. YES!! Shower!! More than twice a week!! I am going to dress in something other than lounge clothes and I am going to wear jewelry and at least a little make-up. I am going to get sleep and cut back on my soda. And all of these things are NOT HARD. These things are easy.

For now, I am good. Tomorrow I may not be and I will be sure to tell you. You know why?? Because that is what ya'll need. Everyone needs to know that there are bumps in the road to success.

So I'll show you bumps. When Aunt Flow is here any day now, or when I have a really stressful day with a screaming toddler.

Life throws us curveballs, and we all need to learn how to roll with them.

Dealing with stereotypes, Hollywood's portrayal and general nastiness directed towards fat women.

I know people love this girl, Fat Amy, from Pitch Perfect. I haven't seen the movie and while I am sure she is hysterical, this portrayal of large women in movies and tv just feeds society's beliefs about how we all are. Lazy, asexualized, super funny fatties who love food and hate exercise. Even Melissa McCarthy, who I think is a genius, is put in roles that are just ridiculous and silly.

I remember watching Bridget Jones as a young 20-something and just being blown away. Granted, she wasn't 'fat' by any means but she was not skinny, and she portrayed the awkwardness perfectly. And I was like, this is funny because this IS what we go through. This is how we struggle when it comes to men and life. And I loved it!

And all Hollywood did was say 'What did Renee Zellwegger do to gain that weight and how did she take it off??' and it's like, who the fuck cares?? And now she looks WEIRD!! Too skinny, in my opinion.

Anyway, there have been sitcoms that tried to center around bigger women and they always failed. The reality is is that we as a society have been brought up to believe that larger women are unattractive. Holy shit, really?? I mean, Queen Latifah, Adele, or even Jessica Simpson who never apologized for being bigger even though the media ripped her.

I just don't understand why fat= ugly and disgusting. This part of the reason why we beat ourselves up. So this is basiclly all I have to say about it...

 

 

So, reiterating a previous point, YOUR FAT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. The people who matter will know that you are a good person, that weight is a part of your struggle but that it is not who you are.

 

It is important that you have yourself surrounded by people who support you. I have a former friend who I had known for 15 years and had been there through a lot of my early stages of weight struggles and she said recently that fat people disgusted her. Well... I guess there is no need to explain why we are no longer friends. You HAVE to get rid of the toxic people or at least distance yourself from them. Because this journey is about you and learning to love yourself. NOT about how others see you.

 

No matter what you see or hear, there is nothing you see that actually reflects you. Don't desire to be that chick on tv, just desire to be a better you. That is all you need.

Proof that little changes can work.

Well folks, after a week of making conscious decisions about my food and liquid and cutting the weeknight glass of wine or cocktail, I lost 7 pounds this week. Seven pounds. And I wasn't 'dieting,' I wasn't killing myself on the treadmill, I was just altering how I thought about food and my normal habits.

I ALWAYS have a water bottle with me but the most ridiculous thing is that I probably only get through one (26oz) a day. So any time I was in the car this week, I just made myself take a few swigs. I ended up drinking double the water I normally drink. My goal is to get through three refills of my water bottle a day.

I also made a list of healthy, yummy foods that I love then went on Pinterest and basically found as many recipes and ideas as I could with those ingredients. I found this kiwi, raspberry and apple salad in vanilla yougurt. Seriously, it looked better than ice cream to me! And home made granola bars, yummy wrap recipes, chips alternatives... I mean, the list goes on.

I didn't work out this week because I was already making all these other changes, I wanted to kind of see where I went this week and how it worked out, then I planned on adding in the workouts next week. Well screw that, I'm starting now! I'm pumped! I don't feel miserable or like I'm pushing myself too far. I AM pushing myself, but to a reasonable point. It makes no sense to go balls to the wall and just collapse from mental and physical exhaustion. I need to pump up my brain and my motivation. I am ready now.

The thing that sucks for us fat girls is that we lose 7 pounds, and no one, even you, notices. It takes 20+ pounds for people on the outside to notice, depending on your body shape. I know because I have always had a smaller middle and a slender face, I lose weight there first, and people notice. I could lose 6 inches from my bum and no one would even bat an eye. But that's ok, the tape measure and scale know better, and how you feel about your body and new outlook on food will make the biggest difference in the long term.

I know not many people read this or will respond, but even one person getting something out of this journey with me is all that matters.

Cheers and Happy Friday!

Meet the Author

So my friend pointed out that I had failed to introduce myself! Geez, I'm so silly. So hi, my name is Erin. I have lived in Colorado my whole life. I am 31 years old.

 

 

(This was me in December for my husband's work party. You can imagine how fun those are for me.)

 

I have been married almost 8 years and am a stay at home mom of 3 kids, Aidan who is 8, Liam is 5 and Meara is 2.

 

I enjoy photography, wood crafting and everything related to pregnancy and birth. Maybe someday I'll be a Doula.

 

I wanted to start a blog because I realized the real lack of honesty and first hand accounts of the real struggle of your average woman trying to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle. This isn't the Biggest Loser and we can't all afford personal trainers or expensive meal plans. I just want to have an open dialogue about a topic everyone seems to treat as taboo to talk openly about.

 

So thaks for stopping by. And please feel free to leave comments or feedback, they are much appreciated.

 

 

STOP being ashamed of yourself!!

For real. I know everyone feels the need to tell you you are unhealthy and need to lose weight. Well, DUH! But the thing they don't understand is just saying, "You're fat! Do something about it!" just makes us feel worse when we fail. You will be ready for a lifestyle change when you are ready. Now, that doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse. None of this "I'm not ready to lose weight..." But the decision to change your life can't be forced on you. Only you can make this decision. And sometimes that's taking small steps and sometimes that means making a huge change quickly, but only you know when it is time.

So in the meantime, I want you to think about something. I want you to think about everything about you and your life that has nothing to do with being fat. Are you a good friend? Good wife? Are you funny? Do you have a nice laugh? Are you generous? Think about those things and KNOW that the fat does not define you. No matter how people on the outside may judge you by your physical appearance, YOU shouldn't. Right now, being fat is a part of who you are, that is just a reality. But it does not define you. But you have to accept that it is a part of you, and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can make the change to NOT be fat anymore.

No matter how many people may say "Do not accept being fat!" you must remember that SHAME and SELF HATE will get you NOWHERE. Even if you lose weight, do you think you will magically love yourself just because you are skinny? NO. Accepting who you are, no matter what size, HAS to come first.

And right now, that means accept that you are fat, but have the confidence in yourself that you can change it.

Sometimes it helps to do little things to realize that you are more than your size.

- Ask your friends why they are your friends. Ask your husband why he fell in love with you. Because I guaratee you, they don't see you as their 'fat friend' or 'fat wife.'

- Go out with your friends and have a date night.

- Get out of the pj's and crappy clothes. Splurge on some clothes from Lane Bryant, Torrid, onestopplus.com ... but nice flattering clothes that you can walk out the door in and not feel like a blimp in sweats. It is amazing what a nice outfit can do for you.

- Wear make up.

- Get your hair done!!

- Volunteer for a cause that means something to you. Nothing feels better than giving back.

- Join a yoga class. Yea yea, I can hear all of you laughing. But I joined a yoga class a year ago and it changed my life. Yes, I was the fattest girl there, but I could keep up just fine, could do 99% of the poses, and it made me feel AMAZING. My body changed and got flexible. If you can't afford one, do it at home. Seriously. Yoga is the best.

You have to start somewhere, and getting a headstart on the self-worth first will keep you from epic fails in the future.

My advice for when you really don't want to put effort into... anything

This may sound weird, but I can honestly say that I have gotten to the weight I am mostly because I am not an active person. I really don't eat that poorly, it's just every single calorie I take into my body STAYS in my body. I rarely turn calories into energy. That doesn't mean I can't make changes and tweaks. I need to get off diet soda. Yea yea, bad bad. But I was raised on it, and I honestly drink half of what I did growing up. I need to stop the "I've been dieting all week, time to go nuts on the weekend!!" thing because yea, I blow my whole week doing that. I just need to get used to just eating better on a more regular basis.

I have never been a really active person. I was never in sports. I was a born and bred homebody. My parents spent their life in front of the tv, and honestly, so did I. It wasn't until after high school when I had to keep a job that I was relatively 'active,' Then I got pregnant.

I was 22, technically 30 pounds overweight (but really only 15 pounds above where I feel awesome) and I only gained 9 pounds. But the hormonal semi truck that ran me over post-partum was insane. I got married a year and a half later, then had the post-wedding blues. All these recoveries meant added weight. I maintained for a while then my mom got sick when my 2nd was two. That's when I had the late night cocktails to get me through life. And really, that just escalated until 2 months after my mom passed away. I hit rock bottom and quit drinking. Then I got the surprise of my life and got pregnant with my 3rd, a daughter. She has been the light of my life, but as sad as it is to say, one of the only things that kept me going the past two years. I have felt in a rut, in denial, ignoring my body and what it needs. Ignoring my MIND and what it needs. And now here I am. 31 and concerned about how long I can stay in my kids lives based on the way I live.

So, it is time. Time to take control, to learn to love myself and get healthy in the meantime. Time to be awesome.

So before I went on my tirade, I wanted to post some tips for how I eat healthy or get a workout in in my busy life.

1.) Either after work, after you drop the kids off or after hubby comes home, be ready to workout ahead of time. So then literally, all you have to do is turn on the video or treadmill and do your business. I have found in my laziness, even finding socks, tennis shoes, sports bra, etc, is too much for me. If I drop off my second son at pre-k in my workout clothes, I walk in the door at home and and go to the basement and get it over with.

2.) Think of the foods you LOVE and find a healthier version. It IS possible. I LOVE sandwhiches and chips. And they HAVE to go together. So I buy a healthier chip, then go from there and get nuts, like cashews and a pickle, like I had today. I use wraps instead of bread. Low fat cheeses and dressings. I also love oranges. ANY healthy food you can come up with that you love buy it. Lots of it. And if you are hungry, EAT THAT. It is honestly that simple.

3.) Plan dinners. I have the hardest time with night time and dinner. If it ends up not really that healthy, eat smaller portions then fill up with healthy stuff. It IS NOT THAT HARD.

4.) I have discovered that one small square of Lindt's dark chocolate in the morning curbs my sweet tooth all day. No joke. But I have never been a sweets person, so it may just be me. But it has saved me as far as eating crappy sweets.

5.) If you have to eat out or go through a fast food, get the the cleanest and least fried greased crap you can. Most places have grilled chicken, salads, carb-free burgers, etc. There are options that won't derail you.

6.) If you are not on Pinterest, do it now. The choices for healthy, super yummy foods are endless. Also easy workouts for those that hate working out.

7.) Get a friend or significant other on board. Let people know you are doing this and are serious. You HAVE to find things to keep you accountable. People, blogs (heheh), anything. It may be what gets that workout in for you.

8.) Water water water water WATER!!! I don't care what you have to do, drink water all day. Get a fun water bottle, keep water bottles in the freezer, just do it.

9.) Buy fun workout clothes you enjoy wearing. Ok, haha, but really. Treat yourself to a nice pair of tennis shoes, some fancy yoga pants, off the shoulder tops a la Flashdance... whatever. Just make this as easy and fun as you can for yourself.

10.) MUSIC!! Buy at least an hours worth of peppy music on iTunes. I HAVE to run (or what I like to call, the fat girl's jog) with music. It makes me want to move.

11.) Set mini weightloss gift for yourself, so every 15 or 20 pounds, you get a massage, then maybe a pedicure, then get your hair done or whatever might help you to reach your goals.

12.) I say whatever a  lot.

That's it for now, I'm sure I'll have more later :-)

Motivational Posters or POSTERS OF SHAME??

 

You know what ISN'T motivational?? This:

 

Like, as a big person, I don't look at that and go "Oooohhhh!!! I am gonna start working out now because that was SUPER motivational!" A picture of a gorgeous girl with a perfect body about to take a run on the beach is so unrealistic it isn't even funny. You know what is motivational? This:
 

(I think this girl has her own book or blog, so if this is you and you happen to see this, please let me know :-)

Why? Because this is real. This I what I look like. She and I are on this journey together. It's not someone who has probably never been 'fat' showing pictures of their amazing bodies trying to motivate me. That makes me feel like shit. If I ever have a trainer, I want a picture of them fat pinned to their shirt so I know they've been there.

I can already hear it; 'you expect them to take pity on you and make it easier because they've been there?' NO. I would LOVE for someone to kick my ass. I don't want anyone to take it easy on me. And the only person allowed to kick my ass is someone who has been there. But guess what?? It doesn't matter because I am too poor to get a personal trainer so I just have to rely on myself to kick my own ass. To always try better every time I work out. Because like I said before, I am doing this for me, so it only makes sense that I am the only one involved in the ass kicking ;-)

Anyway, back to the motivational pictures. I will probably post some seriously unflattering pictures of myself. I will regret it probably. But hey, if it helps someone, I guess I can handle someone potentially making a really embarrassing meme of my fat ass.

What happens when I get 3 hours of sleep...

I woke up at 4:30 this morning missing my husband, who had fallen asleep on the couch, and my dogs who stayed down there with him. I came downstairs and curled up with him and my cat, listening to the fish tank, trying to figure out why I was wide awake.

See, I have always wanted to blog. I like to write, I like to put my thoughts out there and hope maybe someone can relate. I want to make people laugh, maybe cry, or maybe even want to punch me in the face. Either way, I want people to think about what I have to say and maybe find their own meaning in it. So maybe this is it, my wide awake thoughts on this very early snowy morning on February 23rd, 2013.

You may be wondering why I have titled my blog as such. Really, I'm tired of being someone I'm not, I am tired of being an Erin I think others want to see. Because frankly, for the past 3 years or so, it ain't workin' out, so I am done with that. Hooray! So here I am, this is the real me, and I hope you can get something out of what I have to say, even if it is just witnessing the bumbling journey.

So the REAL reason I am here is to talk about being fat. Yup, I'm fat. 9 years of having babies, dealing with depression, the loss of my mom, and a bunch of other various catastrophes, has caused me to pack on more weight than I ever thought possible. How did I get here? Why can't I just say "I want to be healthy for my kids." Then lose a ton of weight? Because OBVIOUSLY I love them enough to do it. So DO IT! Yea, that's not the problem, and I think isn't the problem for 95% of people who want/need to lose weight.

I need to stop saying "I want to lose weight for my kids." Or "I want to lose weight so I look good naked."

I want to lose weight because I DESERVE to lose weight for ME.

Weight loss should be a very selfish thing. Getting fit and healthy or to a comfortable weight should be all about having enough love for myself to do it. Because OF COURSE I love my kids enough. The problem is I don't love ME enough.

So how do I love me enough to do this? Well, I am lucky enough to have this really amazing friend who knows me better than anyone else in this world. For real. And last night she showed me the Erin that is lost. The Erin I was even 30 pounds ago! How did I get here?? Well you know what, who fucking cares. I don't anymore, what matters is where I am going to go from here. She has faith in me that I can do this, it's time for me to have faith that I can do this as well.

Another reason I want to do this is because I have heard so many weight loss stories and about how hard it is and that "If I can do it, anyone can!" And I'm like "how was that first day? That first week? How was it to work out when you are so big you have to start out painfully slow?" I want to know the shitty part. I want to know that you hated it in the beginning, that it was WAY easier to be fat and in denial than it was to face the reason why you are fat and do something about it. I want to know the nitty gritty fucked up reality of a real person trying to lose weight.

So hi. That's what I am gonna do here. Excited??

So follow me, gentle readers, through this vast, ugly, painful and super awesome healthy and uplifting journey. I will not lie or sugar coat things here. I am going to curse. A lot. But maybe you can find something to relate to.

Or maybe I'm just insane on a very early morning in February...