Lots of thoughts... putting them here, I guess.

After another absence, I have struggled with what to say. I love this blog. I love it's message and I want to continue with it. But so many things I want to say have NOTHING to do with weight loss, or finding your true self. Perhaps this is why I am not meant to be a writer. I can't stick to one thing. But it is about my life, and this blog has come from who I am, whether it be physically or emotionally, this blog is about my journey. So here I go...

A large part of my insecurities have come from not feeling like I was good enough. It comes from a turbulent childhood fraught with neglect and abandonment. So as I grew, I clung to people like velcro. Friends, boyfriends, it didn't matter. Eventually my weight got tied into that. So if someone got upset with me? Disagreed with me? It was my fault. I would have done anything to please people. I just didn't want anyone to LEAVE me.

Then I had kids. I realized the people who cared stuck around, and the ones who didn't faded into the backround. I didn't mind that so much, but there were people I put so much love and energy into, that if there was nothing coming back, why did I bother?

Well, then when my second son was 2 years old, my mom was dying. Nothing like watching your mother waste away to put your life into perspective. I decided I deserved more. That I only had so long to live and I wasn't wasting anymore energy on people who didn't really care.

This decision? Not that hard. And that's probably the most heartbreaking part. The fact that I spent so many years of my life expelling endless amounts of energy on people who didn't REALLY care just made me ACHE. But I look at my kids, and how sweet and innocent they are. They deserve better than that, right? Why don't I?

Well that's just it. My childhood, my fat, DOES NOT DEFINE ME. So I know I am better than that. I am a loving and loyal friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter... that is where my definition lies. And that is what makes the sacrifices worth it. It does not come from vanity or egotism, it comes from self preservation, and the knowledge that I deserve better.

And so do you, if you are faced with the decision of eliminating a toxic relationship. Don't look at it from the standpoint of selfishness or vanity. Look at it from the standpoint of, would you want this for your kids? Your loved ones? Well then why would you want it for yourself?