I woke up at 4:30 this morning missing my husband, who had fallen asleep on the couch, and my dogs who stayed down there with him. I came downstairs and curled up with him and my cat, listening to the fish tank, trying to figure out why I was wide awake.
See, I have always wanted to blog. I like to write, I like to put my thoughts out there and hope maybe someone can relate. I want to make people laugh, maybe cry, or maybe even want to punch me in the face. Either way, I want people to think about what I have to say and maybe find their own meaning in it. So maybe this is it, my wide awake thoughts on this very early snowy morning on February 23rd, 2013.
You may be wondering why I have titled my blog as such. Really, I'm tired of being someone I'm not, I am tired of being an Erin I think others want to see. Because frankly, for the past 3 years or so, it ain't workin' out, so I am done with that. Hooray! So here I am, this is the real me, and I hope you can get something out of what I have to say, even if it is just witnessing the bumbling journey.
So the REAL reason I am here is to talk about being fat. Yup, I'm fat. 9 years of having babies, dealing with depression, the loss of my mom, and a bunch of other various catastrophes, has caused me to pack on more weight than I ever thought possible. How did I get here? Why can't I just say "I want to be healthy for my kids." Then lose a ton of weight? Because OBVIOUSLY I love them enough to do it. So DO IT! Yea, that's not the problem, and I think isn't the problem for 95% of people who want/need to lose weight.
I need to stop saying "I want to lose weight for my kids." Or "I want to lose weight so I look good naked."
I want to lose weight because I DESERVE to lose weight for ME.
Weight loss should be a very selfish thing. Getting fit and healthy or to a comfortable weight should be all about having enough love for myself to do it. Because OF COURSE I love my kids enough. The problem is I don't love ME enough.
So how do I love me enough to do this? Well, I am lucky enough to have this really amazing friend who knows me better than anyone else in this world. For real. And last night she showed me the Erin that is lost. The Erin I was even 30 pounds ago! How did I get here?? Well you know what, who fucking cares. I don't anymore, what matters is where I am going to go from here. She has faith in me that I can do this, it's time for me to have faith that I can do this as well.
Another reason I want to do this is because I have heard so many weight loss stories and about how hard it is and that "If I can do it, anyone can!" And I'm like "how was that first day? That first week? How was it to work out when you are so big you have to start out painfully slow?" I want to know the shitty part. I want to know that you hated it in the beginning, that it was WAY easier to be fat and in denial than it was to face the reason why you are fat and do something about it. I want to know the nitty gritty fucked up reality of a real person trying to lose weight.
So hi. That's what I am gonna do here. Excited??
So follow me, gentle readers, through this vast, ugly, painful and super awesome healthy and uplifting journey. I will not lie or sugar coat things here. I am going to curse. A lot. But maybe you can find something to relate to.
Or maybe I'm just insane on a very early morning in February...
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