More about my road... or sidewalk... or maybe my spot on the couch.

I remember sitting on the bus when I was 8 years old and a boy asking me why I was fat. I don't remember what I said, but it stuck in my head. I didn't think I was fat, I mean, at 8 years old, I couldn't really even be considered chunky. But that was the beginning. I was taller and bigger than all the girls, bigger than most boys, even. I started puberty before everyone else. I entered middle school with no friends and at the peak of my awkwardness. I was lucky to find some amazing friends, some of which are STILL my friends. I grew some epic boobs and the boys liked me. Even in high school, even though I was heavier than most girls, I had friends and boyfriends. But I always felt I needed to be smaller because EVERYONE was smaller than I was. Fat girls were just not in my school, so I was 'the fat' standard. I was diagnosed with tendonitis in all of my joints at 14. The doctor told me that I was too fat, at 155. I should lose weight in my legs to ease the pressure on my knees... I was harrassed by my gym teachers. It was just a non-stop barrage of negative feedback on an already impressionable mind.

Then I entered the college world, and even though I fit in more, I always felt like I had to be better. That I was still too fat.

Luckily I met a man who never judged my weight and loves me for who I am. I fell in love with him the first time we kissed when I was just 18, and he took a few years to catch on and follow suit. When we got pregnant with my first, I was 190. I knew I was 20 pounds heavier than where I was comfortable, but I still thought I looked good. And thus began the roller coaster of weight loss and gain. I haven't seen 'onederland' in 8 years...

Last year, my doctor, who I love, used the term 'obese' when talking about me. It was the first time that happened. Regardless of the fact that I was fully aware that I was obese, hearing the term used in regards to me, blew me away. I thought that was it. I thought, this is my wake up call... yet, nothing changed. Then I went to Las Vegas with some best girlfriends... and I struggled to buckle my airplane belt. I didn't have a swimsuit. I just felt... uncomfortable. I thought maybe that was the turning point... Nope.

THEN... THEN last August, I had, for the first time since having my first son, 2 hours alone while the two older boys were at school and my youngest napped.... and I spent it doing whatever I wanted. Chillin', reading, napping... yea, so that got me nowhere. And I've just been.. unhappy. What does my current lifestyle do for me?? Not a whole lot.

So I have a counselor. She is amazing and I highly suggest finding someone to talk to. I am also on an anti-depressant and considering I have been through quite a few of them, finding one that works is a life saver. Depression runs in my family, I have struggled with it since I was a teen. The hormone wackiness when having kids makes being on top of mental and emotional issues even more important.

I have started taking B12 complex vitamins and a probiotic pill because my tummy has been a mess since I got pregnant with my daughter. I also take a women's multi-vitamin. Vitamins are your friend, if you don't like taking them, mix them in a smoothie.

I had friend open my eyes a couple weeks ago to who had been lost. I am forever thankful to her because since then, all I have wanted is to find 'me' again.

So where do I go now? Well this friend is coming out here to do the Bolder Boulder with me (http://www.bolderboulder.com/) in May and I gotta get my ass in gear if I even want to even walk it! So I am going to hit the treadmill daily to work up what I can do. I am going to hit the weight bench on opposite days to build my muscles so I can be stronger in everything I do. And I am EXCITED! What?? That's craziness. But I am. I am going to keep following my food journey, better decisions and purchases when I go to the grocery store.

I am going to shower. YES!! Shower!! More than twice a week!! I am going to dress in something other than lounge clothes and I am going to wear jewelry and at least a little make-up. I am going to get sleep and cut back on my soda. And all of these things are NOT HARD. These things are easy.

For now, I am good. Tomorrow I may not be and I will be sure to tell you. You know why?? Because that is what ya'll need. Everyone needs to know that there are bumps in the road to success.

So I'll show you bumps. When Aunt Flow is here any day now, or when I have a really stressful day with a screaming toddler.

Life throws us curveballs, and we all need to learn how to roll with them.