Reality vs. Fantasy

Hello! I have not abandoned you all. I am still recovering from a two week illness that sent me to urgent care. And I don't go that far unless I am really sick. I honestly haven't been this sick in years. It just sucked. I had to do my normal daily routines while feeling like I was going to keel over any moment. I am ready to feel better and move on.

With that said, I just wanted to get better. I didn't eat horribly but I ate whatever whenever in order to fuel my body and make me not sick when I took medicine. No exercise. At all. And I am okay with that. Anyway, I am out of the funk, ready to move on and get back on the track I was on 3 friggin' weeks ago.

I have this vision of me, being smaller, NOT SKINNY, but smaller than I am now, and confident. The joy I feel anticipating that place overcomes everything else. And you know what?? For my body, it will still be technically 'overweight.' And you know what else? I don't give a damn what anyone else says, I will look hot, feel amazing and be healthy. I can see myself there, and that is the most important part, because it isn't something so far out of reach that it is more of a fantasy than reality. And I think that's the problem. Are you visualizing a fantasy or a reality? Going back to a previous post, aiming for this super sleek skinny sexy 20-something is NOT REALISTIC. Sure, there are people who shrink all their problem spots with non-stop work outs, but for the every day woman, it is not realistic to put up pictures of these tight, tanned women and expect the same.Then we beat ourselves up for no getting there!

So this is the deal. Make a weight loss and/or inches-lost goal and that is all you need!! Set that goal, don't beat yourself up for being the same size of  'so and so' and you have stretch marks and excess skin... That is not the point of learning to love who you are. That is not the point of being a fit woman in the real world.

So my challenge is this. Picture yourself at a higher goal weight, it may not be the final goal, but a second or third goal weight, and picture it with some excess skin and stretchmarks, etc. Does that disgust you? Are you just happy to be there, regardless of how you look naked? Or are you ashamed, thinking you need to look like what the fitness ads or magazines tell you?

YOU have to define where YOU want to be. Only you, no one else. And I guarantee, your goal will seem that much easier. Being sexy is all about how you feel about where you are, and the people that matter will see that in you, not the imperfections others dwell on.

This is about YOU. No one else. Remind yourself of that as often as you can.

My curveball week.

It seems that the powers that be were not in my favor this week. I threw out my hip the beginning of the week... It's basically a leftover condition due to my three pregnancies. Then I got sick. Like nasty head cold sick. Then my time of the month arrived... then I pulled something in my shoulder and I can't turn my head to the left... Yea, its just been that time when life just throws everything it can at you in only 5 days. But I am HERE!! Why? Because I promised I would be. I have continued to eat well, but I am emotionally exhausted. When Aunt Flow has moved on, I will weigh myself. Hopefully sticking to healthy food choices will make up for my body not cooperating with an active week.

As I sit here waiting for our biggest snow storm to start pummeling us, I am trying to find a way to connect to you. The whole reason I am doing this is so I can share my journey in an honest way. To find a way to say, this week, I failed and my body failed. But I AM STILL DOING THIS. So maybe that's it. Maybe my job is to tell you that despite the mad week I had, I am still just as motivated and excited as I was in my last post. I have had no change of heart. No change in motivation. I am still PUMPED. I feel good about the direction I am going.

I grew up sort of expecting the worst. Things changed at a moments notice and I learned to cope with it. In my parenting life, I got comfortable in the routine and keeping things as simple as possible. And in a way, that made me unprepared for the new challenges being a wife and parent brought.

But now I have 3 kids, my mom passed away almost 3 years ago... the unexpected is sort of a way of life now. I have to learn how to integrate that into my eating and active lifestyle. It's just about a change in thought process and NOT FEELING BAD for having an off week. This week was not normal, and I am ready for a normal week for sure, but it won't always be that way. And accepting that will make the process easier.

Have a happy weekend :-)

More about my road... or sidewalk... or maybe my spot on the couch.

I remember sitting on the bus when I was 8 years old and a boy asking me why I was fat. I don't remember what I said, but it stuck in my head. I didn't think I was fat, I mean, at 8 years old, I couldn't really even be considered chunky. But that was the beginning. I was taller and bigger than all the girls, bigger than most boys, even. I started puberty before everyone else. I entered middle school with no friends and at the peak of my awkwardness. I was lucky to find some amazing friends, some of which are STILL my friends. I grew some epic boobs and the boys liked me. Even in high school, even though I was heavier than most girls, I had friends and boyfriends. But I always felt I needed to be smaller because EVERYONE was smaller than I was. Fat girls were just not in my school, so I was 'the fat' standard. I was diagnosed with tendonitis in all of my joints at 14. The doctor told me that I was too fat, at 155. I should lose weight in my legs to ease the pressure on my knees... I was harrassed by my gym teachers. It was just a non-stop barrage of negative feedback on an already impressionable mind.

Then I entered the college world, and even though I fit in more, I always felt like I had to be better. That I was still too fat.

Luckily I met a man who never judged my weight and loves me for who I am. I fell in love with him the first time we kissed when I was just 18, and he took a few years to catch on and follow suit. When we got pregnant with my first, I was 190. I knew I was 20 pounds heavier than where I was comfortable, but I still thought I looked good. And thus began the roller coaster of weight loss and gain. I haven't seen 'onederland' in 8 years...

Last year, my doctor, who I love, used the term 'obese' when talking about me. It was the first time that happened. Regardless of the fact that I was fully aware that I was obese, hearing the term used in regards to me, blew me away. I thought that was it. I thought, this is my wake up call... yet, nothing changed. Then I went to Las Vegas with some best girlfriends... and I struggled to buckle my airplane belt. I didn't have a swimsuit. I just felt... uncomfortable. I thought maybe that was the turning point... Nope.

THEN... THEN last August, I had, for the first time since having my first son, 2 hours alone while the two older boys were at school and my youngest napped.... and I spent it doing whatever I wanted. Chillin', reading, napping... yea, so that got me nowhere. And I've just been.. unhappy. What does my current lifestyle do for me?? Not a whole lot.

So I have a counselor. She is amazing and I highly suggest finding someone to talk to. I am also on an anti-depressant and considering I have been through quite a few of them, finding one that works is a life saver. Depression runs in my family, I have struggled with it since I was a teen. The hormone wackiness when having kids makes being on top of mental and emotional issues even more important.

I have started taking B12 complex vitamins and a probiotic pill because my tummy has been a mess since I got pregnant with my daughter. I also take a women's multi-vitamin. Vitamins are your friend, if you don't like taking them, mix them in a smoothie.

I had friend open my eyes a couple weeks ago to who had been lost. I am forever thankful to her because since then, all I have wanted is to find 'me' again.

So where do I go now? Well this friend is coming out here to do the Bolder Boulder with me (http://www.bolderboulder.com/) in May and I gotta get my ass in gear if I even want to even walk it! So I am going to hit the treadmill daily to work up what I can do. I am going to hit the weight bench on opposite days to build my muscles so I can be stronger in everything I do. And I am EXCITED! What?? That's craziness. But I am. I am going to keep following my food journey, better decisions and purchases when I go to the grocery store.

I am going to shower. YES!! Shower!! More than twice a week!! I am going to dress in something other than lounge clothes and I am going to wear jewelry and at least a little make-up. I am going to get sleep and cut back on my soda. And all of these things are NOT HARD. These things are easy.

For now, I am good. Tomorrow I may not be and I will be sure to tell you. You know why?? Because that is what ya'll need. Everyone needs to know that there are bumps in the road to success.

So I'll show you bumps. When Aunt Flow is here any day now, or when I have a really stressful day with a screaming toddler.

Life throws us curveballs, and we all need to learn how to roll with them.

Dealing with stereotypes, Hollywood's portrayal and general nastiness directed towards fat women.

I know people love this girl, Fat Amy, from Pitch Perfect. I haven't seen the movie and while I am sure she is hysterical, this portrayal of large women in movies and tv just feeds society's beliefs about how we all are. Lazy, asexualized, super funny fatties who love food and hate exercise. Even Melissa McCarthy, who I think is a genius, is put in roles that are just ridiculous and silly.

I remember watching Bridget Jones as a young 20-something and just being blown away. Granted, she wasn't 'fat' by any means but she was not skinny, and she portrayed the awkwardness perfectly. And I was like, this is funny because this IS what we go through. This is how we struggle when it comes to men and life. And I loved it!

And all Hollywood did was say 'What did Renee Zellwegger do to gain that weight and how did she take it off??' and it's like, who the fuck cares?? And now she looks WEIRD!! Too skinny, in my opinion.

Anyway, there have been sitcoms that tried to center around bigger women and they always failed. The reality is is that we as a society have been brought up to believe that larger women are unattractive. Holy shit, really?? I mean, Queen Latifah, Adele, or even Jessica Simpson who never apologized for being bigger even though the media ripped her.

I just don't understand why fat= ugly and disgusting. This part of the reason why we beat ourselves up. So this is basiclly all I have to say about it...

 

 

So, reiterating a previous point, YOUR FAT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. The people who matter will know that you are a good person, that weight is a part of your struggle but that it is not who you are.

 

It is important that you have yourself surrounded by people who support you. I have a former friend who I had known for 15 years and had been there through a lot of my early stages of weight struggles and she said recently that fat people disgusted her. Well... I guess there is no need to explain why we are no longer friends. You HAVE to get rid of the toxic people or at least distance yourself from them. Because this journey is about you and learning to love yourself. NOT about how others see you.

 

No matter what you see or hear, there is nothing you see that actually reflects you. Don't desire to be that chick on tv, just desire to be a better you. That is all you need.

Proof that little changes can work.

Well folks, after a week of making conscious decisions about my food and liquid and cutting the weeknight glass of wine or cocktail, I lost 7 pounds this week. Seven pounds. And I wasn't 'dieting,' I wasn't killing myself on the treadmill, I was just altering how I thought about food and my normal habits.

I ALWAYS have a water bottle with me but the most ridiculous thing is that I probably only get through one (26oz) a day. So any time I was in the car this week, I just made myself take a few swigs. I ended up drinking double the water I normally drink. My goal is to get through three refills of my water bottle a day.

I also made a list of healthy, yummy foods that I love then went on Pinterest and basically found as many recipes and ideas as I could with those ingredients. I found this kiwi, raspberry and apple salad in vanilla yougurt. Seriously, it looked better than ice cream to me! And home made granola bars, yummy wrap recipes, chips alternatives... I mean, the list goes on.

I didn't work out this week because I was already making all these other changes, I wanted to kind of see where I went this week and how it worked out, then I planned on adding in the workouts next week. Well screw that, I'm starting now! I'm pumped! I don't feel miserable or like I'm pushing myself too far. I AM pushing myself, but to a reasonable point. It makes no sense to go balls to the wall and just collapse from mental and physical exhaustion. I need to pump up my brain and my motivation. I am ready now.

The thing that sucks for us fat girls is that we lose 7 pounds, and no one, even you, notices. It takes 20+ pounds for people on the outside to notice, depending on your body shape. I know because I have always had a smaller middle and a slender face, I lose weight there first, and people notice. I could lose 6 inches from my bum and no one would even bat an eye. But that's ok, the tape measure and scale know better, and how you feel about your body and new outlook on food will make the biggest difference in the long term.

I know not many people read this or will respond, but even one person getting something out of this journey with me is all that matters.

Cheers and Happy Friday!