Meet the Author

So my friend pointed out that I had failed to introduce myself! Geez, I'm so silly. So hi, my name is Erin. I have lived in Colorado my whole life. I am 31 years old.

 

 

(This was me in December for my husband's work party. You can imagine how fun those are for me.)

 

I have been married almost 8 years and am a stay at home mom of 3 kids, Aidan who is 8, Liam is 5 and Meara is 2.

 

I enjoy photography, wood crafting and everything related to pregnancy and birth. Maybe someday I'll be a Doula.

 

I wanted to start a blog because I realized the real lack of honesty and first hand accounts of the real struggle of your average woman trying to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle. This isn't the Biggest Loser and we can't all afford personal trainers or expensive meal plans. I just want to have an open dialogue about a topic everyone seems to treat as taboo to talk openly about.

 

So thaks for stopping by. And please feel free to leave comments or feedback, they are much appreciated.

 

 

STOP being ashamed of yourself!!

For real. I know everyone feels the need to tell you you are unhealthy and need to lose weight. Well, DUH! But the thing they don't understand is just saying, "You're fat! Do something about it!" just makes us feel worse when we fail. You will be ready for a lifestyle change when you are ready. Now, that doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse. None of this "I'm not ready to lose weight..." But the decision to change your life can't be forced on you. Only you can make this decision. And sometimes that's taking small steps and sometimes that means making a huge change quickly, but only you know when it is time.

So in the meantime, I want you to think about something. I want you to think about everything about you and your life that has nothing to do with being fat. Are you a good friend? Good wife? Are you funny? Do you have a nice laugh? Are you generous? Think about those things and KNOW that the fat does not define you. No matter how people on the outside may judge you by your physical appearance, YOU shouldn't. Right now, being fat is a part of who you are, that is just a reality. But it does not define you. But you have to accept that it is a part of you, and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can make the change to NOT be fat anymore.

No matter how many people may say "Do not accept being fat!" you must remember that SHAME and SELF HATE will get you NOWHERE. Even if you lose weight, do you think you will magically love yourself just because you are skinny? NO. Accepting who you are, no matter what size, HAS to come first.

And right now, that means accept that you are fat, but have the confidence in yourself that you can change it.

Sometimes it helps to do little things to realize that you are more than your size.

- Ask your friends why they are your friends. Ask your husband why he fell in love with you. Because I guaratee you, they don't see you as their 'fat friend' or 'fat wife.'

- Go out with your friends and have a date night.

- Get out of the pj's and crappy clothes. Splurge on some clothes from Lane Bryant, Torrid, onestopplus.com ... but nice flattering clothes that you can walk out the door in and not feel like a blimp in sweats. It is amazing what a nice outfit can do for you.

- Wear make up.

- Get your hair done!!

- Volunteer for a cause that means something to you. Nothing feels better than giving back.

- Join a yoga class. Yea yea, I can hear all of you laughing. But I joined a yoga class a year ago and it changed my life. Yes, I was the fattest girl there, but I could keep up just fine, could do 99% of the poses, and it made me feel AMAZING. My body changed and got flexible. If you can't afford one, do it at home. Seriously. Yoga is the best.

You have to start somewhere, and getting a headstart on the self-worth first will keep you from epic fails in the future.

My advice for when you really don't want to put effort into... anything

This may sound weird, but I can honestly say that I have gotten to the weight I am mostly because I am not an active person. I really don't eat that poorly, it's just every single calorie I take into my body STAYS in my body. I rarely turn calories into energy. That doesn't mean I can't make changes and tweaks. I need to get off diet soda. Yea yea, bad bad. But I was raised on it, and I honestly drink half of what I did growing up. I need to stop the "I've been dieting all week, time to go nuts on the weekend!!" thing because yea, I blow my whole week doing that. I just need to get used to just eating better on a more regular basis.

I have never been a really active person. I was never in sports. I was a born and bred homebody. My parents spent their life in front of the tv, and honestly, so did I. It wasn't until after high school when I had to keep a job that I was relatively 'active,' Then I got pregnant.

I was 22, technically 30 pounds overweight (but really only 15 pounds above where I feel awesome) and I only gained 9 pounds. But the hormonal semi truck that ran me over post-partum was insane. I got married a year and a half later, then had the post-wedding blues. All these recoveries meant added weight. I maintained for a while then my mom got sick when my 2nd was two. That's when I had the late night cocktails to get me through life. And really, that just escalated until 2 months after my mom passed away. I hit rock bottom and quit drinking. Then I got the surprise of my life and got pregnant with my 3rd, a daughter. She has been the light of my life, but as sad as it is to say, one of the only things that kept me going the past two years. I have felt in a rut, in denial, ignoring my body and what it needs. Ignoring my MIND and what it needs. And now here I am. 31 and concerned about how long I can stay in my kids lives based on the way I live.

So, it is time. Time to take control, to learn to love myself and get healthy in the meantime. Time to be awesome.

So before I went on my tirade, I wanted to post some tips for how I eat healthy or get a workout in in my busy life.

1.) Either after work, after you drop the kids off or after hubby comes home, be ready to workout ahead of time. So then literally, all you have to do is turn on the video or treadmill and do your business. I have found in my laziness, even finding socks, tennis shoes, sports bra, etc, is too much for me. If I drop off my second son at pre-k in my workout clothes, I walk in the door at home and and go to the basement and get it over with.

2.) Think of the foods you LOVE and find a healthier version. It IS possible. I LOVE sandwhiches and chips. And they HAVE to go together. So I buy a healthier chip, then go from there and get nuts, like cashews and a pickle, like I had today. I use wraps instead of bread. Low fat cheeses and dressings. I also love oranges. ANY healthy food you can come up with that you love buy it. Lots of it. And if you are hungry, EAT THAT. It is honestly that simple.

3.) Plan dinners. I have the hardest time with night time and dinner. If it ends up not really that healthy, eat smaller portions then fill up with healthy stuff. It IS NOT THAT HARD.

4.) I have discovered that one small square of Lindt's dark chocolate in the morning curbs my sweet tooth all day. No joke. But I have never been a sweets person, so it may just be me. But it has saved me as far as eating crappy sweets.

5.) If you have to eat out or go through a fast food, get the the cleanest and least fried greased crap you can. Most places have grilled chicken, salads, carb-free burgers, etc. There are options that won't derail you.

6.) If you are not on Pinterest, do it now. The choices for healthy, super yummy foods are endless. Also easy workouts for those that hate working out.

7.) Get a friend or significant other on board. Let people know you are doing this and are serious. You HAVE to find things to keep you accountable. People, blogs (heheh), anything. It may be what gets that workout in for you.

8.) Water water water water WATER!!! I don't care what you have to do, drink water all day. Get a fun water bottle, keep water bottles in the freezer, just do it.

9.) Buy fun workout clothes you enjoy wearing. Ok, haha, but really. Treat yourself to a nice pair of tennis shoes, some fancy yoga pants, off the shoulder tops a la Flashdance... whatever. Just make this as easy and fun as you can for yourself.

10.) MUSIC!! Buy at least an hours worth of peppy music on iTunes. I HAVE to run (or what I like to call, the fat girl's jog) with music. It makes me want to move.

11.) Set mini weightloss gift for yourself, so every 15 or 20 pounds, you get a massage, then maybe a pedicure, then get your hair done or whatever might help you to reach your goals.

12.) I say whatever a  lot.

That's it for now, I'm sure I'll have more later :-)

Motivational Posters or POSTERS OF SHAME??

 

You know what ISN'T motivational?? This:

 

Like, as a big person, I don't look at that and go "Oooohhhh!!! I am gonna start working out now because that was SUPER motivational!" A picture of a gorgeous girl with a perfect body about to take a run on the beach is so unrealistic it isn't even funny. You know what is motivational? This:
 

(I think this girl has her own book or blog, so if this is you and you happen to see this, please let me know :-)

Why? Because this is real. This I what I look like. She and I are on this journey together. It's not someone who has probably never been 'fat' showing pictures of their amazing bodies trying to motivate me. That makes me feel like shit. If I ever have a trainer, I want a picture of them fat pinned to their shirt so I know they've been there.

I can already hear it; 'you expect them to take pity on you and make it easier because they've been there?' NO. I would LOVE for someone to kick my ass. I don't want anyone to take it easy on me. And the only person allowed to kick my ass is someone who has been there. But guess what?? It doesn't matter because I am too poor to get a personal trainer so I just have to rely on myself to kick my own ass. To always try better every time I work out. Because like I said before, I am doing this for me, so it only makes sense that I am the only one involved in the ass kicking ;-)

Anyway, back to the motivational pictures. I will probably post some seriously unflattering pictures of myself. I will regret it probably. But hey, if it helps someone, I guess I can handle someone potentially making a really embarrassing meme of my fat ass.

What happens when I get 3 hours of sleep...

I woke up at 4:30 this morning missing my husband, who had fallen asleep on the couch, and my dogs who stayed down there with him. I came downstairs and curled up with him and my cat, listening to the fish tank, trying to figure out why I was wide awake.

See, I have always wanted to blog. I like to write, I like to put my thoughts out there and hope maybe someone can relate. I want to make people laugh, maybe cry, or maybe even want to punch me in the face. Either way, I want people to think about what I have to say and maybe find their own meaning in it. So maybe this is it, my wide awake thoughts on this very early snowy morning on February 23rd, 2013.

You may be wondering why I have titled my blog as such. Really, I'm tired of being someone I'm not, I am tired of being an Erin I think others want to see. Because frankly, for the past 3 years or so, it ain't workin' out, so I am done with that. Hooray! So here I am, this is the real me, and I hope you can get something out of what I have to say, even if it is just witnessing the bumbling journey.

So the REAL reason I am here is to talk about being fat. Yup, I'm fat. 9 years of having babies, dealing with depression, the loss of my mom, and a bunch of other various catastrophes, has caused me to pack on more weight than I ever thought possible. How did I get here? Why can't I just say "I want to be healthy for my kids." Then lose a ton of weight? Because OBVIOUSLY I love them enough to do it. So DO IT! Yea, that's not the problem, and I think isn't the problem for 95% of people who want/need to lose weight.

I need to stop saying "I want to lose weight for my kids." Or "I want to lose weight so I look good naked."

I want to lose weight because I DESERVE to lose weight for ME.

Weight loss should be a very selfish thing. Getting fit and healthy or to a comfortable weight should be all about having enough love for myself to do it. Because OF COURSE I love my kids enough. The problem is I don't love ME enough.

So how do I love me enough to do this? Well, I am lucky enough to have this really amazing friend who knows me better than anyone else in this world. For real. And last night she showed me the Erin that is lost. The Erin I was even 30 pounds ago! How did I get here?? Well you know what, who fucking cares. I don't anymore, what matters is where I am going to go from here. She has faith in me that I can do this, it's time for me to have faith that I can do this as well.

Another reason I want to do this is because I have heard so many weight loss stories and about how hard it is and that "If I can do it, anyone can!" And I'm like "how was that first day? That first week? How was it to work out when you are so big you have to start out painfully slow?" I want to know the shitty part. I want to know that you hated it in the beginning, that it was WAY easier to be fat and in denial than it was to face the reason why you are fat and do something about it. I want to know the nitty gritty fucked up reality of a real person trying to lose weight.

So hi. That's what I am gonna do here. Excited??

So follow me, gentle readers, through this vast, ugly, painful and super awesome healthy and uplifting journey. I will not lie or sugar coat things here. I am going to curse. A lot. But maybe you can find something to relate to.

Or maybe I'm just insane on a very early morning in February...