My Thoughts On Faith and Religion

I've been thinking a lot about religion, faith, and spirituality lately. I had a very moving experience at the church I use to go to about a year ago, and it's been on my mind since. The Pope's visit and the things he's said have brought some things to light for me...

It is interesting to be brought up by a mom who was raised heavily Catholic, but eventually rejected its extremism. So while I was baptized Catholic, I was never confirmed. She raised my sister and I to believe what we wanted. Our local Methodist church was very progressive. It didn't preach hellfire and hatred, it just talked about love and acceptance. How to live the way Jesus would have wanted. WITH God, not FOR God. I got it. 

While I may not read the bible and follow its teachings, I understand that there is something bigger than us out there. Whether it's the universe, a god, Mother Nature... Or our OWN godliness. We have the power as intelligent beings to spread love, compassion, peace.

I dabbled in Wicca, Buddhism, Pantheism... Nothing ever "fit." I rejected Christian religion as an institution because of the manipulation. The brainwashing. The anger and hatred. That is one thing my mom always taught me. God and Jesus are about LOVE. Why does one sentence in a book cause an entire religion to hate normal, law abiding citizens?? I just didn't get it. But I always tried hard to not judge my Christian friends, because I knew/know them to be good people. I feel like faith is an ever changing thing. That even though there are people who stubbornly hold on to old ideals, that many of my generation and beyond are realizing that the old hateful, discriminatory practices of our parents and grandparents eras are no longer relevant in our more accepting and loving society.

I have a friend who reminded me a few years ago what a good Christian was, and she really was the beginning of opening my eyes. She works for a pregnancy center that offers alternatives for women who have an unplanned pregnancy. No abortion, just support and guidance. THIS is what I'm talking about. She isn't out bombing abortion clinics, she works for an ourganization that offers alternatives. Help. Guidance for women who don't want an abortion. Why does religion and faith have to be so black and white?? It doesn't. And I am thankful that many of my friends see that.

When my mom passed away after a two year battle with ovarian cancer, I expected, or maybe wanted, her death to be spiritual. Instead, I felt her heart stop and that was it. It wasn't beautiful, it wasn't spiritual. It was very cold and hard and brutal. I have struggled with my faith every day since.

One of my long time dear friends got married last July, and I was one of her bridesmaids. Her family, was who introduced me to the Methodist church I went to as a teen, had the pastor I knew as teen do their ceremony. When we prayed before the wedding, it wasn't about "this is about God and Jesus," it was instead about these two people and the beginning of their lives WITH God and Jesus. There is a HUGE distinction there. They live their lives as they see fit, but they carry the love and peace of the Lord and Jesus Christ with them. I GET that. Because they are love. Compassion. Forgiveness. Acceptance.

I wish that my mom could be here to see Pope Francis. He is EVERYTHING she would have WANTED and NEEDED in a Catholic leader. His compassion brings tears to my eyes. His understanding and love is so intense that I can feel it through the photos and videos of him. I get why people cry when they meet him. He is a GIFT to this world, and whether you are religious or not, everyone knows this.

I am tired of extremism. I am tired of people using their religion as an excuse to spew hate. I am tired of religious discrimination toward Islam and Muslims. Is this what we want to be remembered as?! People who misuse the loving words of Jesus as a way to hurt and even kill?! No. 

So while I am still on this faith journey, I ask all my friends who are religious; What Would Jesus REALLY Do? Would he picket outside of weddings or soldiers funerals? Would he use a gun to defend his right to shoot a sinner? Would he build a fucking wall to keep out foreigners? No. No he wouldn't. You know it and I know it.

So, actually live by Jesus' teachings. Live with compassion as acceptance and love. It is AMAZING how much your life and this world could change.

I am going to say "New Year New Me" just to piss people off

I am amazed by the negativity on social media towards people wanting to change their lifestyle. Who cares if it is a new year. Who cares if this is when they decided to make a change. Whether they stick with it or not, it should be encouraged, not frowned upon.
 

With that, yes. I am making a change this year. I have worked out a plan that I will document, and you can follow if you wish. I really don't live a healthy lifestyle. I have sort of hit this "eat what I can when I can" place and I don't get sleep, which makes me exhausted every day.
 

My plan is to make changes every week. Initially, I plan to take vitamins daily and drink more water. That is not hard. I drink a lot of water. And I take a medication every day. But other changes I want to take slowly, and share with everyone, so I can be held accountable. I was practically weaned on soda, and I have three diet sodas a day. I want to cut that down to one, and eventually none. On busy days I hit fast food restaurants. I want to keep enough food in my house to make it ahead of time so we don't feel we need that option. I need to eat more fruits and veggies. And it's not like I don't like them, I do!! I am just terrible at keeping them a part of my daily routine. 

Anyway, this is just an example. I haven't even touched on work outs, because that will happen. It will. But the diet, for me, needs to happen first. 

So yes, after the last 7 months of my life, I have decided to make a change, at the beginning of the New Year. *Gasp!!* Yes. I need to start this year differently than I did last year. I have been presented with a new appreciation of life after seeing my husband on the verge of not having it... This is not a trendy thing for me, it symbolizes many things most people won't understand. But your support and encouragement mean the world to me. Thank you for reading :-)

I will be doing the weekly changes and updates on my Facebook page and posting here every new month.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/206232306227628/

Lots of thoughts... putting them here, I guess.

After another absence, I have struggled with what to say. I love this blog. I love it's message and I want to continue with it. But so many things I want to say have NOTHING to do with weight loss, or finding your true self. Perhaps this is why I am not meant to be a writer. I can't stick to one thing. But it is about my life, and this blog has come from who I am, whether it be physically or emotionally, this blog is about my journey. So here I go...

A large part of my insecurities have come from not feeling like I was good enough. It comes from a turbulent childhood fraught with neglect and abandonment. So as I grew, I clung to people like velcro. Friends, boyfriends, it didn't matter. Eventually my weight got tied into that. So if someone got upset with me? Disagreed with me? It was my fault. I would have done anything to please people. I just didn't want anyone to LEAVE me.

Then I had kids. I realized the people who cared stuck around, and the ones who didn't faded into the backround. I didn't mind that so much, but there were people I put so much love and energy into, that if there was nothing coming back, why did I bother?

Well, then when my second son was 2 years old, my mom was dying. Nothing like watching your mother waste away to put your life into perspective. I decided I deserved more. That I only had so long to live and I wasn't wasting anymore energy on people who didn't really care.

This decision? Not that hard. And that's probably the most heartbreaking part. The fact that I spent so many years of my life expelling endless amounts of energy on people who didn't REALLY care just made me ACHE. But I look at my kids, and how sweet and innocent they are. They deserve better than that, right? Why don't I?

Well that's just it. My childhood, my fat, DOES NOT DEFINE ME. So I know I am better than that. I am a loving and loyal friend, wife, mother, sister, daughter... that is where my definition lies. And that is what makes the sacrifices worth it. It does not come from vanity or egotism, it comes from self preservation, and the knowledge that I deserve better.

And so do you, if you are faced with the decision of eliminating a toxic relationship. Don't look at it from the standpoint of selfishness or vanity. Look at it from the standpoint of, would you want this for your kids? Your loved ones? Well then why would you want it for yourself?

Reason For My Absence

So here I am again, coming to you after a significant absence. Though my reasons this time are a bit more significant than just having a 'hard time' in the Spring.

On June 15th, my husband broke his pelvis. He was in the Tough Mudder Race and fell off a 12-15 foot wall onto his side, and his leg ball joint broke through the thin column of his pelvis on his right side.

Now, to some, this sounds really huge and scary, to others, there is the 'he will recover and eventually be fine' attitude. Both totally understandable, but when you actually live through it, when it is your strong and active husband who is injured in such an extreme way, it takes on a whole new meaning.

When my husband called and told me what had happened, he was waiting to be Flight for Lifed from Vail to Denver. I had no idea of his long term condition. The team in Vail was worried his femoral artery in his leg may have been severed. After I had called a dear friend to watch our kids, I called my in-laws and told them they needed to come get me so we could go to the hospital. We arrived at the hospital not long after my husband did. He was still being treated by triage and was lying in his bed, making jokes and getting hooked up to machines. He was doped up, which I am thankful for. Just ONE of the things I am thankful for. After a few more CAT scans, a surgeon came in and explained his injury, the type of surgery needed, and how long he would be immobile. I cried. I cried a lot. My husband is the provider. He is strong and active and 6-8 weeks of no walking was too much to bear, let alone 10 weeks with no work. I am a stay at home mom and I have no way to provide for our family. I mainly just cried for him. I didn't want him to have to endure this. It was what it was. My father-in-law was there and I felt he understood the gravity, and his comfort at the time meant the world to me. 

My husband was moved to another room to await his official room. My in-laws decided they would not leave my husband alone, so that he would have an advocate. I agreed, and wish I could take shifts, but with having three kids, I just couldn't. I am so thankful they were there for him when I couldn't.

Luckily, my bestie drove 8 hours to come and stay with me and watched my kids so I could drive back and forth from the hospital, which was 40 miles away. Three long days, my husband had to sit on a broken pelvis before he got his surgery. On June 18th, my late mother's birthday, he got his three hour surgery, complete with a plate and screws in his pelvis. When the surgeon came to the waiting room, he told us everything went perfectly, then said that my husband should have died in the fall... That that kind of fall has a high mortality rate. That was the moment when I broke. My husband is my world, has been for 13 years. What would I do without him?? What would my kids do without him?? Just then, I had never been more thankful for his health, his life, his recovery... Because it could have been worse. And I knew that. But I still just wanted him to be happy and healthy. I wanted him home and interacting with me and the kids. I just wanted to be on the road to recovery. The in between made me insane.

He was up the day after his surgery. I came in a few days after to wash his whole body, because he still had mud EVERYWHERE from the race. I finally felt like I was helping. Making him feel better.

When he was able to come home, I stressed about the kids, the house, his comfort. I had some amazing friends who gave freezer meals and other things to make him comfortable. It was good. We were good. The kids were amazing, and they always helped. Even though I was running around like a crazy person all day, I was so happy. He was home, he was getting better, that's all that mattered.

Then he had to go back to work (about 6 weeks after the accident). I drove him for his first two weeks. I was worried about him driving, because he had to drive with his bad leg, but I knew it was important to him.

And now we are kind of

back to the routine. It's kind of back to the me with the kids and school and him with the work. But there is this lingering message in the life of parents and husband and wife... We cannot take our lives or our health for granted. You never know when life is staring you in the face saying "You could have lost the most important person in your life today." And that is HUGE. Not many people experience this. Some sadly experience the worst outcome, and some experience the in between. It is a blessing my husband can walk. It is a blessing my husband is alive. And there is not much else that can really make one wake up and say, TIME TO LIVE!! 

I am still struggling with stress management, but I have made some changes already and things are heading in a positive direction. My husband no longer needs a cane. He can do most things, except heavy lifting. My kids and I are always there for that. But his 100% recovery won't happen until his 1 year anniversary.

It is strange, how I look forward to it. He is already doing so well. I think he will be stronger than ever by then. 

No obstacle course races though. We're done with that ;-)

I am going to take this time to thank everyone who helped us, whether it was meals, child care, heavy moving, retrieving his truck, yard care, etc... I am just so thankful for the love and care we have gotten from so many. You are all amazing friends and family. It definitely helped me get through everything!

With that, I have to leave the main message I learned from all of this. You just don't know. You don't know when you are put in the position to be the provider, the strong role, the positive reinforcement. Just be that always. Because. You. Just. Don't. Know.

How To Be An Effective Personal Trainer.

It has been a while. I apologize. The Spring has always been a difficult time for me and this year was no different. But I am better now and needing to get back to the land of the living.  

I have a lot of things going through my head and have thought hard about what I wanted to discuss with you after my hiatus. I decided to go with the topic of trainers and fitness experts and their views on fat folks, especially women.

I  am a big girl and I always try to be mindful about what I eat. My main downfall since becoming a mom is working out, in all honesty. I just have never, even when I was 'smaller,' been an active person. It is my biggest challenge, by far. I see that, I admit it. I have looked at some local personal trainers that are women who have been where I am and lost weight and I am intrigued. Not because I think they'll be easy on me, I don't want that, but because they've been there.

It is absolutely ridiculous to me that a smaller, active person has the gall to judge larger people. If you haven't been in their shoes, who are you to judge?? If you are a trainer, the biggest tool you have is COMPASSION and DRIVE. It is not "you are a fat ass and I am not and I want to make you look like me." It is about showing this fat person, who has NEVER had ANYONE give them a chance, have someone give them a chance and give them hope. And in the fitness world I see these 'trainers' demean their clients and that will get them nowhere.

As the title of my blog states, fat girls are people, too. We don't sit around eating complete shit all day and do nothing. We have very busy lives and for those of us who are moms, our focus is always the kids. So where do we go from here? Personal trainers are expensive. Eating healthy, organic, blah blah blah, is expensive. As a trainer, your job is to work around all of that. Get to know your client. Don't think of them as a fat person. Think of them as a human being who needs help. POSITIVE help. The kind of help that INSPIRES and makes them want to be better for THEM. Don't make comments about seeing the fat chick eating a cheeseburger and how gross it is. Find out why she is fat and why she wants that cheeseburger and learn the importance of compassion with the people you train. It. Is. Not. Hard. If you're a trainer and you've never been fat? Fine. But as someone seeking that service, I expect you to see my situation and my life as NOT YOURS and my story is MY OWN and I got here through various situations that you may not understand. Ya know? It is just obnoxious to me that there are FITNESS PROFESSIONALS out there who have a discriminatory view toward their clients!!

So. My message? Girls (or boys), don't be afraid to seek out a personal trainer if you can. But make sure they are doing this for YOU. Not their own agenda of demeaning and shaming you into losing weight. Fitness professionals? Don't be a dick. People don't like dicks. Fat people don't want to be trained by dicks. That is all.

This has nothing to do with weight loss, but is important for me to say...

I have been thinking about the reactions to the Boston Marathon bombing. Thanks to social networking, everyone has an opinion, some to the extreme at one end and others to the other extreme. Some in the middle. I don't think it's fair to knock how anyone reacts to people dying. Especially a blatant attack in a city on US soil.

I don't think anyone can honestly say they don't care about innocents dying overseas. Okay, maybe there are people who don't, but I feel like the general population is saddened and horrified by it, but I kind of feel like people feel helpless... They want to help but there is so much happening in our own country, it's hard to stretch our compassion to people so far away. I know that may seem cold, but we have busy lives, busy stressful and sometimes filled with tragedy, lives. We grew up in relative comfort and safety until 9/11 (honestly for me it was Columbine) and now we wait for what's next. But does that mean we shouldn't have concern for our fellow Americans? I think when we get to the point where we don't care, then we become just as souless as the people who carry out these attacks.

I am concerned about people becoming apathetic. I am concerned that my kids will be raised to feel like this is life. To not trust anybody. I'm not saying they shouldn't question the government and always seek the truth, but that regardless of the incident, there should always be compassion and concern for our fellow Americans.

Because if we don't have that, what's left? A shell of hatred and distrust. Yes, people die every day all over the world. It is awful and sucks, but our hearts can only take so much.

The important part about this I think for people who react so strongly is that they feel that it could have been them or their kid or family or friend. The sense of comfort we felt growing up is constantly tested, and as long as we can feel concern and compassion for those affected, we continue to be human.

So don't be afraid to say what you need to say. Don't be afraid to tell people this is scary. Or that this happens every day elsewhere, or that you even feel it's some sort of conspiracy. But allow others who don't feel the same to grieve. To be scared and to show compassion. That's all.

Reality vs. Fantasy

Hello! I have not abandoned you all. I am still recovering from a two week illness that sent me to urgent care. And I don't go that far unless I am really sick. I honestly haven't been this sick in years. It just sucked. I had to do my normal daily routines while feeling like I was going to keel over any moment. I am ready to feel better and move on.

With that said, I just wanted to get better. I didn't eat horribly but I ate whatever whenever in order to fuel my body and make me not sick when I took medicine. No exercise. At all. And I am okay with that. Anyway, I am out of the funk, ready to move on and get back on the track I was on 3 friggin' weeks ago.

I have this vision of me, being smaller, NOT SKINNY, but smaller than I am now, and confident. The joy I feel anticipating that place overcomes everything else. And you know what?? For my body, it will still be technically 'overweight.' And you know what else? I don't give a damn what anyone else says, I will look hot, feel amazing and be healthy. I can see myself there, and that is the most important part, because it isn't something so far out of reach that it is more of a fantasy than reality. And I think that's the problem. Are you visualizing a fantasy or a reality? Going back to a previous post, aiming for this super sleek skinny sexy 20-something is NOT REALISTIC. Sure, there are people who shrink all their problem spots with non-stop work outs, but for the every day woman, it is not realistic to put up pictures of these tight, tanned women and expect the same.Then we beat ourselves up for no getting there!

So this is the deal. Make a weight loss and/or inches-lost goal and that is all you need!! Set that goal, don't beat yourself up for being the same size of  'so and so' and you have stretch marks and excess skin... That is not the point of learning to love who you are. That is not the point of being a fit woman in the real world.

So my challenge is this. Picture yourself at a higher goal weight, it may not be the final goal, but a second or third goal weight, and picture it with some excess skin and stretchmarks, etc. Does that disgust you? Are you just happy to be there, regardless of how you look naked? Or are you ashamed, thinking you need to look like what the fitness ads or magazines tell you?

YOU have to define where YOU want to be. Only you, no one else. And I guarantee, your goal will seem that much easier. Being sexy is all about how you feel about where you are, and the people that matter will see that in you, not the imperfections others dwell on.

This is about YOU. No one else. Remind yourself of that as often as you can.