My curveball week.

It seems that the powers that be were not in my favor this week. I threw out my hip the beginning of the week... It's basically a leftover condition due to my three pregnancies. Then I got sick. Like nasty head cold sick. Then my time of the month arrived... then I pulled something in my shoulder and I can't turn my head to the left... Yea, its just been that time when life just throws everything it can at you in only 5 days. But I am HERE!! Why? Because I promised I would be. I have continued to eat well, but I am emotionally exhausted. When Aunt Flow has moved on, I will weigh myself. Hopefully sticking to healthy food choices will make up for my body not cooperating with an active week.

As I sit here waiting for our biggest snow storm to start pummeling us, I am trying to find a way to connect to you. The whole reason I am doing this is so I can share my journey in an honest way. To find a way to say, this week, I failed and my body failed. But I AM STILL DOING THIS. So maybe that's it. Maybe my job is to tell you that despite the mad week I had, I am still just as motivated and excited as I was in my last post. I have had no change of heart. No change in motivation. I am still PUMPED. I feel good about the direction I am going.

I grew up sort of expecting the worst. Things changed at a moments notice and I learned to cope with it. In my parenting life, I got comfortable in the routine and keeping things as simple as possible. And in a way, that made me unprepared for the new challenges being a wife and parent brought.

But now I have 3 kids, my mom passed away almost 3 years ago... the unexpected is sort of a way of life now. I have to learn how to integrate that into my eating and active lifestyle. It's just about a change in thought process and NOT FEELING BAD for having an off week. This week was not normal, and I am ready for a normal week for sure, but it won't always be that way. And accepting that will make the process easier.

Have a happy weekend :-)

More about my road... or sidewalk... or maybe my spot on the couch.

I remember sitting on the bus when I was 8 years old and a boy asking me why I was fat. I don't remember what I said, but it stuck in my head. I didn't think I was fat, I mean, at 8 years old, I couldn't really even be considered chunky. But that was the beginning. I was taller and bigger than all the girls, bigger than most boys, even. I started puberty before everyone else. I entered middle school with no friends and at the peak of my awkwardness. I was lucky to find some amazing friends, some of which are STILL my friends. I grew some epic boobs and the boys liked me. Even in high school, even though I was heavier than most girls, I had friends and boyfriends. But I always felt I needed to be smaller because EVERYONE was smaller than I was. Fat girls were just not in my school, so I was 'the fat' standard. I was diagnosed with tendonitis in all of my joints at 14. The doctor told me that I was too fat, at 155. I should lose weight in my legs to ease the pressure on my knees... I was harrassed by my gym teachers. It was just a non-stop barrage of negative feedback on an already impressionable mind.

Then I entered the college world, and even though I fit in more, I always felt like I had to be better. That I was still too fat.

Luckily I met a man who never judged my weight and loves me for who I am. I fell in love with him the first time we kissed when I was just 18, and he took a few years to catch on and follow suit. When we got pregnant with my first, I was 190. I knew I was 20 pounds heavier than where I was comfortable, but I still thought I looked good. And thus began the roller coaster of weight loss and gain. I haven't seen 'onederland' in 8 years...

Last year, my doctor, who I love, used the term 'obese' when talking about me. It was the first time that happened. Regardless of the fact that I was fully aware that I was obese, hearing the term used in regards to me, blew me away. I thought that was it. I thought, this is my wake up call... yet, nothing changed. Then I went to Las Vegas with some best girlfriends... and I struggled to buckle my airplane belt. I didn't have a swimsuit. I just felt... uncomfortable. I thought maybe that was the turning point... Nope.

THEN... THEN last August, I had, for the first time since having my first son, 2 hours alone while the two older boys were at school and my youngest napped.... and I spent it doing whatever I wanted. Chillin', reading, napping... yea, so that got me nowhere. And I've just been.. unhappy. What does my current lifestyle do for me?? Not a whole lot.

So I have a counselor. She is amazing and I highly suggest finding someone to talk to. I am also on an anti-depressant and considering I have been through quite a few of them, finding one that works is a life saver. Depression runs in my family, I have struggled with it since I was a teen. The hormone wackiness when having kids makes being on top of mental and emotional issues even more important.

I have started taking B12 complex vitamins and a probiotic pill because my tummy has been a mess since I got pregnant with my daughter. I also take a women's multi-vitamin. Vitamins are your friend, if you don't like taking them, mix them in a smoothie.

I had friend open my eyes a couple weeks ago to who had been lost. I am forever thankful to her because since then, all I have wanted is to find 'me' again.

So where do I go now? Well this friend is coming out here to do the Bolder Boulder with me (http://www.bolderboulder.com/) in May and I gotta get my ass in gear if I even want to even walk it! So I am going to hit the treadmill daily to work up what I can do. I am going to hit the weight bench on opposite days to build my muscles so I can be stronger in everything I do. And I am EXCITED! What?? That's craziness. But I am. I am going to keep following my food journey, better decisions and purchases when I go to the grocery store.

I am going to shower. YES!! Shower!! More than twice a week!! I am going to dress in something other than lounge clothes and I am going to wear jewelry and at least a little make-up. I am going to get sleep and cut back on my soda. And all of these things are NOT HARD. These things are easy.

For now, I am good. Tomorrow I may not be and I will be sure to tell you. You know why?? Because that is what ya'll need. Everyone needs to know that there are bumps in the road to success.

So I'll show you bumps. When Aunt Flow is here any day now, or when I have a really stressful day with a screaming toddler.

Life throws us curveballs, and we all need to learn how to roll with them.

Dealing with stereotypes, Hollywood's portrayal and general nastiness directed towards fat women.

I know people love this girl, Fat Amy, from Pitch Perfect. I haven't seen the movie and while I am sure she is hysterical, this portrayal of large women in movies and tv just feeds society's beliefs about how we all are. Lazy, asexualized, super funny fatties who love food and hate exercise. Even Melissa McCarthy, who I think is a genius, is put in roles that are just ridiculous and silly.

I remember watching Bridget Jones as a young 20-something and just being blown away. Granted, she wasn't 'fat' by any means but she was not skinny, and she portrayed the awkwardness perfectly. And I was like, this is funny because this IS what we go through. This is how we struggle when it comes to men and life. And I loved it!

And all Hollywood did was say 'What did Renee Zellwegger do to gain that weight and how did she take it off??' and it's like, who the fuck cares?? And now she looks WEIRD!! Too skinny, in my opinion.

Anyway, there have been sitcoms that tried to center around bigger women and they always failed. The reality is is that we as a society have been brought up to believe that larger women are unattractive. Holy shit, really?? I mean, Queen Latifah, Adele, or even Jessica Simpson who never apologized for being bigger even though the media ripped her.

I just don't understand why fat= ugly and disgusting. This part of the reason why we beat ourselves up. So this is basiclly all I have to say about it...

 

 

So, reiterating a previous point, YOUR FAT DOES NOT DEFINE YOU. The people who matter will know that you are a good person, that weight is a part of your struggle but that it is not who you are.

 

It is important that you have yourself surrounded by people who support you. I have a former friend who I had known for 15 years and had been there through a lot of my early stages of weight struggles and she said recently that fat people disgusted her. Well... I guess there is no need to explain why we are no longer friends. You HAVE to get rid of the toxic people or at least distance yourself from them. Because this journey is about you and learning to love yourself. NOT about how others see you.

 

No matter what you see or hear, there is nothing you see that actually reflects you. Don't desire to be that chick on tv, just desire to be a better you. That is all you need.

Proof that little changes can work.

Well folks, after a week of making conscious decisions about my food and liquid and cutting the weeknight glass of wine or cocktail, I lost 7 pounds this week. Seven pounds. And I wasn't 'dieting,' I wasn't killing myself on the treadmill, I was just altering how I thought about food and my normal habits.

I ALWAYS have a water bottle with me but the most ridiculous thing is that I probably only get through one (26oz) a day. So any time I was in the car this week, I just made myself take a few swigs. I ended up drinking double the water I normally drink. My goal is to get through three refills of my water bottle a day.

I also made a list of healthy, yummy foods that I love then went on Pinterest and basically found as many recipes and ideas as I could with those ingredients. I found this kiwi, raspberry and apple salad in vanilla yougurt. Seriously, it looked better than ice cream to me! And home made granola bars, yummy wrap recipes, chips alternatives... I mean, the list goes on.

I didn't work out this week because I was already making all these other changes, I wanted to kind of see where I went this week and how it worked out, then I planned on adding in the workouts next week. Well screw that, I'm starting now! I'm pumped! I don't feel miserable or like I'm pushing myself too far. I AM pushing myself, but to a reasonable point. It makes no sense to go balls to the wall and just collapse from mental and physical exhaustion. I need to pump up my brain and my motivation. I am ready now.

The thing that sucks for us fat girls is that we lose 7 pounds, and no one, even you, notices. It takes 20+ pounds for people on the outside to notice, depending on your body shape. I know because I have always had a smaller middle and a slender face, I lose weight there first, and people notice. I could lose 6 inches from my bum and no one would even bat an eye. But that's ok, the tape measure and scale know better, and how you feel about your body and new outlook on food will make the biggest difference in the long term.

I know not many people read this or will respond, but even one person getting something out of this journey with me is all that matters.

Cheers and Happy Friday!

Meet the Author

So my friend pointed out that I had failed to introduce myself! Geez, I'm so silly. So hi, my name is Erin. I have lived in Colorado my whole life. I am 31 years old.

 

 

(This was me in December for my husband's work party. You can imagine how fun those are for me.)

 

I have been married almost 8 years and am a stay at home mom of 3 kids, Aidan who is 8, Liam is 5 and Meara is 2.

 

I enjoy photography, wood crafting and everything related to pregnancy and birth. Maybe someday I'll be a Doula.

 

I wanted to start a blog because I realized the real lack of honesty and first hand accounts of the real struggle of your average woman trying to lose weight and live a healthy lifestyle. This isn't the Biggest Loser and we can't all afford personal trainers or expensive meal plans. I just want to have an open dialogue about a topic everyone seems to treat as taboo to talk openly about.

 

So thaks for stopping by. And please feel free to leave comments or feedback, they are much appreciated.

 

 

STOP being ashamed of yourself!!

For real. I know everyone feels the need to tell you you are unhealthy and need to lose weight. Well, DUH! But the thing they don't understand is just saying, "You're fat! Do something about it!" just makes us feel worse when we fail. You will be ready for a lifestyle change when you are ready. Now, that doesn't mean you can use it as an excuse. None of this "I'm not ready to lose weight..." But the decision to change your life can't be forced on you. Only you can make this decision. And sometimes that's taking small steps and sometimes that means making a huge change quickly, but only you know when it is time.

So in the meantime, I want you to think about something. I want you to think about everything about you and your life that has nothing to do with being fat. Are you a good friend? Good wife? Are you funny? Do you have a nice laugh? Are you generous? Think about those things and KNOW that the fat does not define you. No matter how people on the outside may judge you by your physical appearance, YOU shouldn't. Right now, being fat is a part of who you are, that is just a reality. But it does not define you. But you have to accept that it is a part of you, and the sooner you can accept that, the sooner you can make the change to NOT be fat anymore.

No matter how many people may say "Do not accept being fat!" you must remember that SHAME and SELF HATE will get you NOWHERE. Even if you lose weight, do you think you will magically love yourself just because you are skinny? NO. Accepting who you are, no matter what size, HAS to come first.

And right now, that means accept that you are fat, but have the confidence in yourself that you can change it.

Sometimes it helps to do little things to realize that you are more than your size.

- Ask your friends why they are your friends. Ask your husband why he fell in love with you. Because I guaratee you, they don't see you as their 'fat friend' or 'fat wife.'

- Go out with your friends and have a date night.

- Get out of the pj's and crappy clothes. Splurge on some clothes from Lane Bryant, Torrid, onestopplus.com ... but nice flattering clothes that you can walk out the door in and not feel like a blimp in sweats. It is amazing what a nice outfit can do for you.

- Wear make up.

- Get your hair done!!

- Volunteer for a cause that means something to you. Nothing feels better than giving back.

- Join a yoga class. Yea yea, I can hear all of you laughing. But I joined a yoga class a year ago and it changed my life. Yes, I was the fattest girl there, but I could keep up just fine, could do 99% of the poses, and it made me feel AMAZING. My body changed and got flexible. If you can't afford one, do it at home. Seriously. Yoga is the best.

You have to start somewhere, and getting a headstart on the self-worth first will keep you from epic fails in the future.

My advice for when you really don't want to put effort into... anything

This may sound weird, but I can honestly say that I have gotten to the weight I am mostly because I am not an active person. I really don't eat that poorly, it's just every single calorie I take into my body STAYS in my body. I rarely turn calories into energy. That doesn't mean I can't make changes and tweaks. I need to get off diet soda. Yea yea, bad bad. But I was raised on it, and I honestly drink half of what I did growing up. I need to stop the "I've been dieting all week, time to go nuts on the weekend!!" thing because yea, I blow my whole week doing that. I just need to get used to just eating better on a more regular basis.

I have never been a really active person. I was never in sports. I was a born and bred homebody. My parents spent their life in front of the tv, and honestly, so did I. It wasn't until after high school when I had to keep a job that I was relatively 'active,' Then I got pregnant.

I was 22, technically 30 pounds overweight (but really only 15 pounds above where I feel awesome) and I only gained 9 pounds. But the hormonal semi truck that ran me over post-partum was insane. I got married a year and a half later, then had the post-wedding blues. All these recoveries meant added weight. I maintained for a while then my mom got sick when my 2nd was two. That's when I had the late night cocktails to get me through life. And really, that just escalated until 2 months after my mom passed away. I hit rock bottom and quit drinking. Then I got the surprise of my life and got pregnant with my 3rd, a daughter. She has been the light of my life, but as sad as it is to say, one of the only things that kept me going the past two years. I have felt in a rut, in denial, ignoring my body and what it needs. Ignoring my MIND and what it needs. And now here I am. 31 and concerned about how long I can stay in my kids lives based on the way I live.

So, it is time. Time to take control, to learn to love myself and get healthy in the meantime. Time to be awesome.

So before I went on my tirade, I wanted to post some tips for how I eat healthy or get a workout in in my busy life.

1.) Either after work, after you drop the kids off or after hubby comes home, be ready to workout ahead of time. So then literally, all you have to do is turn on the video or treadmill and do your business. I have found in my laziness, even finding socks, tennis shoes, sports bra, etc, is too much for me. If I drop off my second son at pre-k in my workout clothes, I walk in the door at home and and go to the basement and get it over with.

2.) Think of the foods you LOVE and find a healthier version. It IS possible. I LOVE sandwhiches and chips. And they HAVE to go together. So I buy a healthier chip, then go from there and get nuts, like cashews and a pickle, like I had today. I use wraps instead of bread. Low fat cheeses and dressings. I also love oranges. ANY healthy food you can come up with that you love buy it. Lots of it. And if you are hungry, EAT THAT. It is honestly that simple.

3.) Plan dinners. I have the hardest time with night time and dinner. If it ends up not really that healthy, eat smaller portions then fill up with healthy stuff. It IS NOT THAT HARD.

4.) I have discovered that one small square of Lindt's dark chocolate in the morning curbs my sweet tooth all day. No joke. But I have never been a sweets person, so it may just be me. But it has saved me as far as eating crappy sweets.

5.) If you have to eat out or go through a fast food, get the the cleanest and least fried greased crap you can. Most places have grilled chicken, salads, carb-free burgers, etc. There are options that won't derail you.

6.) If you are not on Pinterest, do it now. The choices for healthy, super yummy foods are endless. Also easy workouts for those that hate working out.

7.) Get a friend or significant other on board. Let people know you are doing this and are serious. You HAVE to find things to keep you accountable. People, blogs (heheh), anything. It may be what gets that workout in for you.

8.) Water water water water WATER!!! I don't care what you have to do, drink water all day. Get a fun water bottle, keep water bottles in the freezer, just do it.

9.) Buy fun workout clothes you enjoy wearing. Ok, haha, but really. Treat yourself to a nice pair of tennis shoes, some fancy yoga pants, off the shoulder tops a la Flashdance... whatever. Just make this as easy and fun as you can for yourself.

10.) MUSIC!! Buy at least an hours worth of peppy music on iTunes. I HAVE to run (or what I like to call, the fat girl's jog) with music. It makes me want to move.

11.) Set mini weightloss gift for yourself, so every 15 or 20 pounds, you get a massage, then maybe a pedicure, then get your hair done or whatever might help you to reach your goals.

12.) I say whatever a  lot.

That's it for now, I'm sure I'll have more later :-)